A Behavior Management Program/The Voucher System



Posted: Sunday, July 10, 2005

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The Voucher System

The Voucher System Essays for Kids When Punishment Doesn't Work Here is a gr
eat idea for discipline that helps kids to take a realistic look at their actions. We don't use this form of discipline very often, but when we do our children take pride in what they write. Our strong willed 15 year old Sarah has just written a three page Essay on lying and accountability. Background: She has told me for the past month that she threw away a deodorant that gave me a bad reaction. (I am very chemical sensitive.) Every time I smelled the deoderant on her she would tell me I was imagining it. This went on until one day I took a look around her room and found it in a drawer. When I confronted her with the deoderant in my hand she maintained a position of innocence and tried to make me out to be the bad guy for going through her things. This resulted in a grounding, not only from going anywhere but from the phone and TV. I also told her to write and Essay as Follows: Writing must be single spaced and in normal size print. Page 1- Why is it wrong to lie? What happens to people who lie? Page 2 - Why should you admit to lying? Why should you always tell the truth? Why should there be consequences for lying? Page 3 - What is accountability and how does it apply to your life? Why is it important to admit when you are wrong? Due by Thursday Oct. 25, 2001 Note: If you have not written honestly and if any of your writing reflects contempt, blame, or defiance assignment will have to be redone before you can go anywhere. Grounding will not be over until paper meets requirements set down here-to-fore. Notice that I didn't require anything that would put her on the defense, belittle her or promote excuses and complaints. It is essential that these essays be directed at the positive and accountability rather than a place to sound off and whine. Let your child become the expert, and by this they will be able to increase their self-worth and state the facts while learning from mistakes. Sarah: "When dealing with people who have a right to ask questions, a lie is defined by the intent to deceive. That means that nothing suitable may be withheld. The intent to deceive is what makes a lie and that's wrong." More suggestions: "What you/I appreciate about being a part of this family. Why is it wrong to yell at a parent? Why shouldn't I use bad language? What is wrong with hitting another person? What will hitting lead to? Why is there no excuse to be violent when you are angry? Things I can do to improve my behavior..." Have them read to you what they wrote rather than having them hand it over. This not only gives you a chance to watch the pride in their accomplishment, it reinforces the accountability and allows you to talk it over once they are done reading and reinforces their accountability. Be sure not to criticize if you do talk about it, and avoid rehashing the event. "Love Therapy". "Love therapy," in my own terms is the active display of love for a child regardless of his or her actions or attitude. It's a combination of affection, affirmation, compassion, warmth, forgiveness, commitment, tough love, and caring. It also involves touch: a tap on the shoulder, fluffing the hair, a hug, a peck on the cheek, and other forms of appropriate touch they will accept. (Does not include wrestling, towel snapping, slap boxing, excessive tickling and the like. Excessive tickling can be torture not love. If they're saying "no", listen even if they're laughing.) Love therapy is looking into the eyes of your child when she has just told you she hates you, saying "I love you," and meaning it! Loving is the most important part of helping anyone to heal, gain a better self-esteem and do better all around. As we love our children into healthier, happier lives, we become healthier and happier ourselves. Love is contagious, and it brings good things into any situation, even those which seem hopeless. Laughter is a part of love therapy. The more we laugh and impart humor, the more relaxed we and others become. Children need us to laugh with them and to laugh at the funny and silly things they do. When a child does something that is completely out of the ordinary, instead of criticizing, laughter will show our love and make them feel accepted. Seeing healthy humor in those quirky things about our children helps us love them more, too. It shows that we are allowing them to be who they are and that we love them just as they are. Love therapy has to be combined with limits, boundaries, the absence of enabling, and the acceptance that boundaries will be crossed. It's important that we lovingly and consistently continue to set limits and refuse to enable, allowing consequences. This is love when applied correctly. Love therapy comes without strings. People respond to love when we show it without strings or without expecting anything in return. When strings and expectations are attached to love, it causes injury to the relationship. Often, expectations that are attached to love are not verbal and the person has to try to second guess what we want from them. We may punish people for not meeting our expectation without them ever knowing what those expectations are. Strings attached to love foster rebellion, confusion, disappointment, and loss of communication. We can't expect love to be returned, favors to be exchanged, or behaviors to improve because we love though good things will follow love over time. When we are able to love without expectations, the ability to love in the face of adversity becomes easier and progress is made. Patience is a virtue when it comes to love therapy. Some parents have to wait until their kids are out on their own and struggling with their own high maintenance child before they realize how much they were loved. Accepting this possibility will make it easier to keep loving no matter what though chances are, you will see results rather quickly. Love them for the kind of person you hope they will be rather than the "pain" they are today. Keep your eye on the person you know they CAN be, and love them into the person they were meant to be. You'll know that your love helped them to get there. No reward is more worthwhile to a parent! Love mends broken hearts! If your child has experienced loss or abuse, or they are very ODD, it may be hard for them to love or accept love, though love is what they need most. Continuously reassure them that you are not going to give up on them, that you love them, and that you know they are a good parson, even if they haven't figured that out yet. Tell them they deserve a good life, and good treatment, and that you will be there if they need to talk, especially about things that hurt them. Love therapy involves commitment not always easy when every fiber in us wants to crawl under the bed and hide. The more time you spend with them the more they will feel your love. Our commitment to love the child who nobody could love more than we do is healing in itself. They know when we are committed to them. They feel our love when we drop what we're are doing to talk with them alone. This is love therapy in it's purest form. Being there to talk and play lets them know that you love them and you care about them. At first they may require many hours of these talks and play, but as they become more confident in your love and things have been worked out, they will become more low maintenance and less high maintenance. It's well worth all the love and time you give now! You'll be amazed at how much time will be saved in the future by giving 95% today. Love therapy includes complimenting the person for their good parts: their talents, attributes, gifts, interests, spiritual and emotional beauty... This does not necessarily mean giving strokes and praise although they have their place, and are important. It simply means pointing things out: "I love the way you do your hair up like that could you show me sometime?" "I love that song the way you play it." "You are so intuitive when it comes to seeing how other people feel." "I didn't know you could do that." Your compliments and praise must be heart felt, not drummed up. (Some people may need to practice by drumming things up for a while until complimenting becomes natural. It may take a while to figure out ways to say nice things without rejection or sounding silly. That's okay, keep at it, you'll get there.) It will help to keep in mind that you truly do love this child even if you don't like him very much sometimes. Love therapy is not about liking someone, it's about loving them even when we don't like them. Where there is little or no touching going on, at first, love therapy may be met with resistance or total rejection. Keep loving and accept rejection with grace without taking it personally. Keep in mind that it took a while for things to get to the point they are now it will take time and patience before your child responds to your love in a way that helps them blossom. If they cringe when you touch them, begin slowly and proceed with patience, gentleness and understanding. (Some children, such as those with attachment disorder, feel violated when they are touched, in which case use caution. Always make sure your touch is 'safe touch!') Start with a tap or a gentle touch of the hand and build from there. Children may lash out so hard that you will want to pull away or stop loving them all together. They may test your love (to see if things go back to the way they were). Don't give up on yourself or your child loving is a much better offering than an angry heart. They 'will' respond with time! There is a Bible verse that says "Love overcomes a multitude of sins (faults)." (I Peter 4:8) Love is an amazing thing, it's the driving force in every success story, the power behind why people feel joy and fulfillment, and it's healing. Sometimes it's just there ready to be given, other times we choose it. If we love our child in spite of all their many faults, in time, they will respond. Love will help us overcome and accept their faults, even when it doesn't help them stop what they are doing they still benefit by our reaction. Love therapy is a show of compassion and empathy without a sense of sympathy or pity. Feeling sorry for people keeps them from taking responsibility for their own happiness and moving forward. Kids know when we pity them, and when we truly feel their pain in a way that tells them we care, but we are not going to rescue them from the pain they will need to experience to learn and grow. We will always love them, even if our love has to be tough. Love therapy is showing unconditional love. That's why it's important to always put aside resentments. Resentments wall off love and certainly hinder the ability to love. We have nothing to lose by giving up resentments and excepting people as they are. (It is often not the person with whom we show resentment that we are resentful of. Sometimes we transfer our resentments from a parent, a spouse, an enemy onto our children and others we feel comfortable with.) Kids have resentments too they learn from our example. Resentments are nothing but tallies of things we have been deemed to be unforgivable. When we store up resentments we are making ourselves little gods at the expense of others whom we must punish for wrongdoing. We judge them and punish them according to what we feel they deserve: our rejection, anger, silence, vengeance, belittling, blaming, malicious teasing, neglect... Holding onto resentments fosters repeating the same mistakes and prevents people from growing and enjoying life. It's never our kids fault (or anyone else's) that we feel resentful, we choose resentment over solutions and forgiveness. Resentments are our enemy! They do not allow the company of love, compassion, empathy, sincerity, forgiveness or true joy. Warning: Love can be a weapon or a powerful way to bring goodness to all. This therapy will not work for every parent. When there is compulsive enabling, unforgivness or if a parent is self absorbred, this therapy will most likely not work until these issues are confronted. Gail Brewster © All rights reserved.
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